Abbey to become a nightclub and town hall rebuilt on wheels...

Lord Toby Jug of the Monster Raving Loony party tries to gather supporters in Whitby''w140405e
Lord Toby Jug of the Monster Raving Loony party tries to gather supporters in Whitby''w140405e

Whitby will become a massive fun fair called Loony Land, the ‘derelict’ abbey will be turned into a nightclub and the fishing industry is going to be cleaned up because it stinks.

A new town hall on wheels will be moved around the town and the answer to the dog fouling problem is fluorescent dog food.

This is the political manifesto of the Monster Raving Loony Party which has been in Whitby this week recruiting candidates for the local and general elections.

Lord Toby Jug, yes that is his real name,leader of the northern branch of the party, has spent the week visiting pubs in Whitby, chatting to punters and spreading the loony message, despite people struggling to understand his Cockney accent, and believes a candidate from Whitby will stand for his party in the future.

He was encouraged to visit the area because he has plenty of friends in the Goth fraternity but admits he is more ‘colourful’ than them.

He told the Gazette: “I am pretty confident that a candidate will come forward and take the Tory incumbent Robert Goodwill.

“The only Tory worth voting for is a lavatory.”

“There are plenty of characters here, they have seen the light and know that sensible democratic lunacy is the way forward.

“Whitby is a nice part of the country and being a lord and a man of leisure I like to go around different areas of the country and spread the word.”

Should the party obtain power at the borough council’s elections in May or the 2015 general election then the grand plan is to turn the entire borough, including Whitby and Scarborough, into a huge fun fair.

Lord Toby Jug added: “It will be called Loony Land. There will be employment for local people, it will boost tourism and put Whitby on the map.

“While we are doing that, that derelict abbey we will turn it into a nightclub that only sells Abbott Ale of course and we will clean up the fishing industry because it stinks.

“They are all sensible policies and because there are a lot of goths we will introduce the dead vote. They should be allowed to vote and leave it in their will if they die between elections. They will vote for us because we are a dead loss.

“One of the other issues I have noticed while walking around is dog mess. It is not very nice so will introduce fluorescent dog food so you can see it at night and don’t step in it and in case Dracula comes back we will give out free bulbs of garlic.”

Other ideas include, rebuilding Whitby town hall and putting it on wheels so it can be moved around town so that everyone can get to all council meetings, introducing a 99 pence coin to reduce the amount of change that people have, giving people with a stutter a 10% reduction on phone bills, privatising the ‘hot air’ around Westminster and reducing dole queues by making people stand closer together.

To make a good loony candidate people should be alternative thinkers, who support local issues and be “representative of the loony majority”.

If anyone would like to stand contact Lord Toby Jug on