Opinion: Oh the joys of family round at Christmas

Check out our shocking Christmas cracker gags
Check out our shocking Christmas cracker gags

December is the 12th month of the year that brings both glee and misery to many.

Children want, like, demand presents that are often beyond our budget so we as caring parents (because we have to be), get into debt to please our young ones.

Not all of us do, but many fall into that black hole of despair.

After the present run we embark on the “groceries challenge”.

This is a game where you see how much unnecessary junk you can fit into the biggest trolley the shop has and fight through the checkout to put your credit-card into meltdown. Food, bottles of fizz, crates of ale, litres of spirits and, not forgetting as many analgesia as is allowed.

Come the day in question, December 25th. Children up at 0230 hours to the sound of “Santa” staggering half-cut around the lounge, rolling into the Christmas tree and collapsing in a fit of giggles because the mince pies were rather strong!

0330 hours the turkey is prepared for a 10 hour cremation.

It is stuffed with peaches, pork sausage, spices and grandma’s dentures then sewn up like a good one.

Goose fat is massaged into the bird like there’s no tomorrow then the great lump is squeezed into the oven with the help of dads boot and the door is slammed shut.

Meanwhile the kids are ripping open their pressies and paper is strewn everywhere. The dog has eaten the babies sweets the oldest has a tantrum because the iPad is the wrong colour and mum is not impressed with her aftershave! Gran on the other hand is chuffed to bits with her bottle of sloe gin and sets about it with gusto, complete with no teeth (they’re up the birds derriere)!Dad? Well he is dad, pickled as an onion on Guinness and Cider and its only 1030 hours.

The rest of the relations start to descend from 1130 hours and the nieces and nephews start bickering.

The paracetamol and Rennies are getting a pasting by now. 1400 hours and the game of “stuff yourself stupid” starts. Food all over the table, floor, babies hair and in the dogs mouth.

Undeterred, mum will have a good time (another pint of spritzer will do fine thanks).By 1600 hours all you can hear is the kids screaming, gran hiccupping, dad trumping and mum sobbing.

By 1730 hours it is time to fill the gaps in your teeth with more rich un-nutritious gunge.

Belch goes dad and the dog in unison, both blame gran!

Roll on bedtime, I can’t take anymore. Boxing Day is just as bad.

Round two!

Out come the cracker jokes: Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to “incorrect”.

So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Well dear readers, I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas and New Year and I sincerely wish you all the best of health.